Can't believe I'm actually going to dedicate time to this tart, but here goes. What this walking disaster needs is a marketing plan (and a regular ride to AA, and a good slap in the face, etc.).
She's got too much shit going on, first and foremost. But she'll have to choose between whether she wants to become a mother first, or regain her career first. In the eyes of the public, being a mother should be her first priority. But is that the smart move in the grand scheme? If she goes after the career rebirth first, it will definitely help her focus, but would she be crucified by the public? And if her career is going strong, would she be able to convince a judge that she has time to be a mother? Considering all that, the kids come first.
So, how to rehab her image, which in this world, is more important than rehabbing her addictions. First and foremost, cut the fat, and I'm not talking about her muffin top. She should distance herself from her psycho mother and her knocked-up little sister. She also needs to lose the scumbag boyfriend and any "assistants" sucking the life out of her. She needs a "handler" who manages her schedule, who she comes into contact with, her diet, her exercise plan, her money, etc. Since her finances have come to light, she needs to quickly shift her spending toward savings and money going to her children in the form of child support, future education, and a trust. Her 'entertainment' should be confined to movies and Starbucks. She should be seen buying her kids toys and clothes and doing every-day things like going to the grocery store, going to the Farmer's Market (works for Jennifer Garner), and with her children on visits. Her new wardrobe should be sweats and jeans with modest-looking tops for everyday, and business casual attire for more "official" appearances. She should eschew designer-heavy looks, big jewelry, heavy makeup, or anything bearing her mid-section, leg above the knee, or arm above the mid-upper arm. Underwear is a must. She should NEVER be seen in the company of a man who is a potential love interest. She should confine male companionship to gay men, old men, and men tied directly to her record label, PR agency, etc. The partying is definitely OVER. She should begin attending psychotherapy sessions regularly, as well as AA meetings - the more the better. She should also hire a parenting coach. She should, at all costs, stay away from religion - anything she may do in this vein will be considered completely self-serving and laughable. On the PR side, she should visit and donate to women's shelters, and have conversations with other single moms who are struggling to make ends meet, but still are good mothers. She should show that she respects that, and if possible, vocalize her admiration for those women. A good teary breakdown, complete with a line like, "I had everything, every advantage, and I let my kids down. These ladies are struggle just to make it, but it's all about their kids - that's their first priority. I really respect that." It will take a good 6-9 months before she can build up any credibility with this plan.
Once the "mommy of the year" plan is in place, Britney should 'develop in place' for along the lines of 2 years. She should pursue joint custody, and say that she "eventually" wants to return to "do some recording" - just plant the tease. In terms of laying the framework for her comeback, she should drop a hint every 4 months or so in the media. She should slowly begin to attend industry events again - one per month. The 'real' work will happen completely behind the scenes - fierce workouts, dance practice, consulting with producers, and getting physically healthy. After the 2 years, Britney should return to the studio, record an album, and NOT tour, NOT perform on awards shows, and do only video work. She can do public appearances, and single-song performances on talk shows just to show the bod is back - but in a classy way - more of a Tina Turner style. When asked about touring again, she should say, "not until the kids are older. I can record and do appearances while the boys are with their dad, but there is no way I'm giving up my time with them right now." She is sacrificing a lot of dough by not touring, but by taking this tack, she'll gain tremendous credibility and can open the door to some lucrative endorsement deals.
When the younger kid enters school, the door opens back up to touring. At this point, she needs to develop a huge stage
show,
ala Cher, Vegas, etc.
that's all my thoughts for now.
So there she is. Butt-ugly, huh? The nose was difficult to integrate, as you can see. But even if I were able to do it perfectly, she looks like she's got some kind of personality disorder at the very least. At the worst, she looks like I actually dug up the freaking corpses and pasted them together. Just goes to show - there's no such thing as perfect.
